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Fictional Cinema Snob Episodes/Sagwa: The Movie
Transcript * The Snob: Hey look, there was a PBS Kids show about China, and they made a movie with the dad of that one background girl from Mac and Me, some Venezuelan singer, and one of the Monster Jam drivers! Oh boy, this gonna be a dozy! Oh, and I've watched the original show... better watch this then! * (Cut to clips from Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat) * The Snob: Sagwa, the Chinese Siamese Cat was a show that was very clever and witty, with a good cast of characters and decent animation, plus some good morals and decent ways of teaching stuff about Chinese culture to the kids. Despite running for only one season from 2001-2002, it was a success for PBS Kids, and found an aftermarket in El Kadsre, where it became extremely popular. * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: What?!? So the country that farted out Technic Heroes gave the Chinese Siamese Cat more love? This is so f***ed up! Also, there's a reboot coming out, let's a trailer. * (Cut to a clip from the Sagwa reboot trailer wherein Sagwa pops up) * Sagwa: Hiiiii! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: So she's gonna be the cutest jumpscare ever? I'm sold! Anyways, let's dive into this film. * (The Samuel Goldwyn Films logo plays) * The Snob: We open up on the Samuel Goldwyn Films logo animating over the same blue screen that your VCR shows when it hates the tape. And since this film has a lot of music, let's hear the first one of the tunes that'll help your kids learn a lot about ancient China and friendship! * (The Samuel Goldwyn Films logo plays again, this time without audio as it does on most prints of the film) * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: The best track in the movie, by far! Although this could have played instead of f***ing silence... * (The Samuel Goldwyn Films logo plays yet again, this time with "Disco Duck" playing in the background) * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Way better than silence. * (The logos for PBS Kids Movies, CinéGroupe, Sesame Workshop, Cuckoo's Nest Studio, INCAA, China Film Group Corporation, Changchun Film Group Corporation, and Mandarin Films Distribution Co. Ltd. play in rapid succession) * The Snob: Also there's a bunch of other companies: including Public Pearl Pictures, the producers of Tripping the Rift, Propane Accident Productions, Bird on Film Studios, Hey U.K. Give Us Back the Malvinas God Damn It Enterprises, and some Chinese companies, look, let's get onto the movie. * (The musical number from The Living Legend - Bigfoot 4x4x4 plays briefly before the Snob cuts it off) * The Snob: Wait, no, this is supposed to be a kids film starring monster truck drivers, not one starring the trucks they drive! * (Cut to the opening credits) * The Snob: I like it how Joaquin Phoenix and Mako are the first to be listed, and the titular character goes last. The film was directed by Devo bassist and on-again-off-again music video director Gerald Casale, with assistance from Thomas Yaseen, a pseudonym for SpongeBob SquarePants animation director Tom Yasumi. Also, listen to this music! * (Cut again to the opening credits) * Brian Ice: (Talking to the night, talking to the night) Living in the shade of the light! There's nothing I can do, nothing that I am here for! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Like with Sex and the City, the original theme was fine. * (We see Jason rushing out of his house and hopping onto his bicycle) * The Snob: Our main character is played by Filipino then-child actor John Wayne Sace, of which this was one of his first roles, here he plays a Chinese-American named Jason Shao. * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: How the f*** did they get around that language barrier? * (Cut to Jason bicycling to school) * Kid #1: Hey Jason! * Jason: Hey Billy! * Samantha: Hey Jason! * Jason: Hey Samantha! Lookin' good! * Samantha: Thanks! *giggles* * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Oh... they pulled a Enter the Ninja and dubbed him. Oh, and he has a love interest or something, and she's younger than he is! What the f***? * (Cut to Samantha and Jason racing to the school) * The Snob: Speaking of the love interest, she is Samantha, played by Jesse Vinet, who voiced Sheegwa on the show, and also here. And she doesn't even try to throw her voice to make them sound different! * (Cut to Jason and Samantha with Budge and Smudge at the school) * The Snob: Jason's bullies are Budge and Smudge, who sound like bad gimmicky soda brands from the 1980's, and of whom are played by Austin Di Iulio, who was Timothy from that Timothy Goes to School thing which also aired on PBS, and Nick Lashaway, who played Fox Mulder in one of The X-Files movies. * (Cut to the film) * Budge: Hey kid, want a swirlie, or not? * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Why are the bullies so obviously bullies in the city of This Ain't Harlem, A Triple X City Parody? * (Cut to the film) * Jason: No thanks. * Smudge: Do ya really wanna? * (Budge and Smudge hi-five and say "Yeah") * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: And then they f***. * (Cut to the film) * The Snob: Jason lives with his father Kenny, played by Joaquin Phoenix, and his mom Mei, played by actress and former U.S. Olympic gymnast Eugenia Yuan, plus his sister Janice, played by Ming-Na Wen. Who the f*** was holding Joaquin and Ming-Na's families hostage? * Mei: Jason, wonder why Oogway is such a weirdo? He thinks he knows of a magical land where he becomes a talking tortoise! * Jason: He's not weird Janice. * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Wow, this is the weirdest foreplay to incest I've seen, and I've seen a Planet of the Apes porno spoof that was just one rap musical with f***ing thrown in! * (Cut to the film) * The Snob: We then visit Sagwa's world, where the titular character finally appears. * Sagwa: Come on Dongwa! * Dongwa: I'm not that slow! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Given how Sagwa's brother Dongwa was a bit of a jerk in the show, I'm glad they kept that in this film! * (Cut to the film) * The Snob: Also, what's with the Foolish Magistrate? * The Foolish Magistrate: What a lovely day here in China! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Yep, he's here. Moving on. * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, and Sheegwa playing with the Alley Cats and the Sleeve Dogs) * The Snob: Sagwa and her siblings are playing with their supposed friends, who consist of: Jet-Jet, Lik-Lik, Hun-Hun, Wing-Wing, Ling, Wong-Ton, and the Sleeve Dogs: Ping, Pang, and Pong. * Lik-Lik: Looks like the royal cat can't bat for sure! * Wong Ton: That's like saying I'm gonna be friends wi- * Nai-Nai: Wong Ton Dou! * (Wong Ton blushes) * (Nai-Nai walks in) * Nai-Nai: What are you doing, my old buddy? * Wong Ton: Shu Jiao, stop! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Great, now I'm seeing a opposite gender version of that one scene from Breakin'. * (Cut to Nai-Nai getting angry at Wing Wing for touching Wong Ton's hair) * The Snob: Also, don't anger Nai-Nai! * Nai-Nai: You shouldn't touch Wong Ton, as he is a gentle cat when it comes to me... and if you hurt him, I'll send you to hell! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Rated PG! * (Cut to Lik-Lik) * Lik-Lik: Oh yeah? I'd never touch his stupid hair! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: No seriously, rated PG. * (Cut to Jason and Felipe) * The Snob: We return to Jason's world, wherein Jason meets our comic relief motorhead: Felipe. * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Ricky Martin was originally considered to play Felipe, however he was unavailable at the time of casting, so the role went to Venezuelan singer Paul Gillman, who's experience in acting was mainly in Latin Spanish dubbing, wherein he was a voice actor for dubs of shows such as, again, SpongeBob SquarePants, where he dubbed Patrick. Let's see how that turned out. * (Cut to Jason and Felipe walking through Felipe's shop) * Jason: So, what have you been building? * Felipe: An awesome machine, man! * (Cut to Phelous) * Phelous: No. * (Cut to Felipe revealing the Felipe II to Jason) * The Snob: Felipe then reveals his monster truck, the Felipe II, to Jason. * Felipe: This... is the Felipe II! * Jason: Wow! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: You didn't build that, you stole the Micro-P**** from those two guys from Cannibal Holocaust II and rebuilt it into a monster truck-dune buggy hybrid! * (As the Snob mentions "the Micro-P****", a photo of it appears) * (Cut to to Felipe and Jason suiting up and then driving the Felipe II through Quad City) * The Snob: Felipe and Jason walk around in Felipe's shop, which contains not only automobile parts, but also pieces of an Amazon cannibal movie set, whilst playing a less-literal version of "Will It Fit?", and then they're off to... nowhere. * (Cut to Sagwa discovering the portal to Quad City) * The Snob: Meanwhile, Sagwa discovers a portal to Felipe's world. * Sagwa: Huh? This is a strange pond. * (Dongwa throws a skipping stone into it, only for it to teleport) * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Idiots! * (Cut to the Felipe II being driven around) * The Snob: Driving. * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, and Sheegwa falling into the portal and landing in Master Oogway's workshop) * The Snob: Oh, and they fall into the portal. * (Cut to Sagwa, Dongwa, and Sheegwa running through the workshop and then hurrying back into the portal) * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Clearly they did not want to be puppets for more than a few seconds. * (Cut to Samantha playing a Game Boy while Jason watches) * The Snob: Speaking of PBS Kids, we get a cameo from a Barney's Great Adventure star, a first gen Game Boy. Which is no surprise given that the boom mic from Dolemite made a cameo in the T.V. version of this film! * (As the Snob mentions the boom mic, we see a still from the T.V. version of the scene where Felipe introduces the Felipe II to Jason, wherein the boom mic is hovering above them) * (Cut to Dongwa running from the Sleeve Dogs) * The Snob: However, Dongwa gets in a spot of trouble. * (Cut to Dongwa falling into the portal) * Dongwa: Holy sh**! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Once again, rated PG. * (Cut to the Sleeve Dogs staring into the pond) * Ping: What the hell? Dongwa landed in this... weird portal! * The Snob: *imitating Ping* Um, should I retake this line? * (Cut to the portal) * The Snob: *imitating Dongwa from inside the portal* No, PERFECT! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: AND I SAID RATED PG, NOT RATED PG-13! * (Cut to Dongwa running through the streets of Quad City) * The Snob: Dongwa then runs away before he's casted in a bestiality porno spoof of The Aristocats. * (Cut to Dongwa jumping onto Jason's leg) * Jason: Augh! Darn! This cat is on my leg! * Dongwa: No-, err I mean, MREOW! * (Cut back to the Snob) * The Snob: Wow Dongwa, JUST MEOW WHEN AROUND YOU'RE HUMANS LIKE YOU DO IN THE SHOW! * (Cut to Dongwa and Jason riding the Felipe II to Oogway's workshop) * The Snob: And then multiple citizens of Buenos Aires were run over and killed by a out-of-control monster truck. * (Cut to Samantha with her dad) * The Snob: And it's nice to know that Charlie from A Christmas Kiss is getting a paycheck out of this... side note, I actually wrote that joke before realizing that is Charlie from A Christmas Kiss! * (As the Snob says "that is Charlie from A Christmas Kiss!", a screencap of Mark Joy's IMDB is shown).